May 21st, 2011: Travesties in fast food Part 1.

Today, we'll be discussing the Taco Bell "Big Box Meal" or "Five Buck Box," names interchangeable and often times a colloquialism between folks. For the history of fast food, places like McDonald's, Burger King Hardee's and Taco Bell have always attempted to pack as many calories per dollar into the American diet. Some meals are absurdly high in caloric content and sodium, take for example, a proper meal at Hardee's. A Double Thick Burger with coke and fries reaches a grand total of nearly 2000 calories with 4000mg of Sodium. YIKES! My girlfriend refers to this meal as "a heart attack on a bun," a title that I hate. I've never eaten one, but I can see the draw to such a rich meal. I just can't fathom the idea of eating an entire day's worth of meals in one sitting.

But the Taco Bell five buck box is an oddity. And a shameful one at that. It comes in two varieties, Crunchy Burrito and Melty Beef Burrito (I recently found out that there have been multiple iterations of this deal, it changes constantly, so, when you read this, it might be completely different). Or something to that effect. The first includes a burrito that is stuffed with meat, cheese and fritos... yeah... fritos. What the fuck! The "sides" in the first box are a hardshell taco, beef burrito, Cinnamon twists and a crunch wrap supreme. The other includes the new Melty Beef Burrito, which just has more cheese in it, plus a supreme chalupa, Cinnamon twists and a taco supreme. The one I'm eating currently is the second, the melty beef.

The first problem that arises when dealing with the Big Box is the box itself. It creates an air of shame when you get it. I arrived at my local T-bell to find a nasty long line at the drive thru. I endured it and placed my order at the box and felt ashamed of myself for just saying it. When I got to the window, they handed me not a bag of food, but a box that advertised the fact that I'm a fat-ass trying to kill myself with horrible, horrible food. I hoped that the people behind me were distracted enough to not notice that I was ordering an item called the "Big Box Meal" with one drink. I should have ordered another drink to make it look like I was splitting it with someone.

Now, I want to stress the fact that I eat Taco Bell semi regularly, but I often keep my meals down to one or two items that are under 200 calories a piece plus water or diet soda. But, today, I'm putting my body on the line in the name of science. Although, last night I was up until 6am with stomach cramps and being sick to my stomach... so, this might be a terrible idea.

First off, the food in the box is entirely mediocre compared to the food I'm used to eating, but it's still completely edible. The other thing about this box is that it's just hard to eat. I've only put down the Melty Beef Burrito and Chalupa and half my Mountain Dew and I'm honestly having trouble mustering the courage to eat the rest of the meal. So far, I've consumed about 5-600 calories with 5-600 more to go. It is a 1390 calorie box.

What really freaks me out is that a Whopper Meal from Burger King actually yields the exact same caloric value. I never realized quite how many calories are in BK's food. It does always leave me feeling sluggish and tired, too. I once ate a Jalapeño Stuffed burger, medium fries and drink and only afterwards did I realize I had just consumed 1600 calories. It was a horrible feeling. Taco Bell seems to hit me with that "full feeling" a lot sooner than BK or McDonalds. Oddly, though, McDonalds seems to offer a better option when it comes to health, but just not much. I still much prefer the concoctions of my own kitchen or a proper restaurant.

What an odd event this was. I ate this big box meal for about a half hour before posting and throughout the whole posting, and I'm only a little over half done. Man... Taco Bell, lot of bang for the buck.

UPDATE! It is now nearly 8pm. I have had one margarita and three beers since eating this at 2pm. When I burp, I feel that I am at risk of throwing up Taco Bell, still. My stomach still feels overly stretched out. I also took a five mile walk to try and work off the food and gross feeling, but I'm still suffering from it. And that's after I threw away half the taco supreme and half the twists. I'm not proud of what I did, but it was an experience. When eating at Taco Bell, try to keep your caloric intake of solid food below 400 calories, that's my advice. Besides, it costs like $2 to eat "healthy" at Taco Bell and $5 to eat this abomination. Next time, I'll tackle the KFC Double Down! PS, more than likely, there will be a video accompaniment to the Double Down.